Thoughts

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 07 February 2011

Remember these from fifth grade? Oh acrostic poetry! I felt like writing something but had nowhere to start, so I turned words sideways... they are probably more reflections than poems... enjoy :)

Hiding imperfections and

Yearnings,

Pretending they happen

Only to others, wasting

Christ's death and

Resurrection by

Insisting on

Saving

Yourself

Generosity

Restrained only by our

Acceptance, with the

Capacity to heal

Everything we surrender

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 27 January 2011

I am really enjoying my course on Atheism! We are talking about how the roots of most modern atheist beliefs go back to the 13/14th century, with the conceptualization of God as primarily will (as opposed to reason, which was the characteristic most theologians focused on from the time of Augustine to medieval scholasticism). As a result (centuries later, through much history), humans have come to understand themselves also more in terms of will than reason - we identify freedom not as the ability to reason what is right and choose whether or not to do that, but as the ability to decide what is right. This becomes a problem because if we allow that God decides what is right, our human freedom is limited and we're not much better than slaves. God seems arbitrary and mean, and obeying him is humiliating (and sexually repressive). This is pretty much Christopher Hitchens' definition of religion.

This is not what Christianity is to me though, and it's not what the Bible says, and it's not what centuries of Christian theology say. So most atheists are up in arms against ideas about God that Christians don't even believe. The issue of will and freedom is complicated, but the main point is that when God gave us free will it wasn't a trick. We are free to make whatever choices we want. But our will has limits - we control our conduct in the world, but we can't change how the world works.

Science works because we understand that the earth is subject to physical laws - tons of math. Christianity says that the same God who made the world in such a beautiful and rational way (fallen though it may be) is responsible for moral laws as well. We have free will, so we can break these moral laws (knowingly or unknowingly), but we cannot change the fact they exist. And these laws are not arbitrary style-crampers; they are in fact necessary for human life to flourish. Just as the earth needs to be a certain distance from the sun and travel at a certain velocity through space, spouses must be faithful to each other and neighbours cannot kill each other, or everything goes wrong. Okay, so the results are not as immediate and drastic and widespread when a family breaks up as when a meteor strikes the earth off its course (thank you Hollywood for umpteen visuals of that). But God's moral law is designed for the good of human life, just as his laws of physics also sustain life.

In 1 Corinthians 13:11-12, Paul writes, " When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

Yes, there are still unanswered questions in science and ethics... but that doesn't mean the answers don't exist. Faith is required to believe that perfect clarity will one day come, but it is not an irrational, brainwashing faith. It is a hope based in the love and goodness of a God who has brought us this far and who responds when we seek him. The rational basis for morality isn't always clear, but faith tells us it is there even when our rationality cannot prove it. As Christians, we don't give up our free will, but we submit it to God and ask for his help. Maybe atheists would say it's the same thing, but it's really not.

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 27 January 2011

At my church we pray the Lord's prayer every week, so I have probably said it more in the last year than the previous 10. I don't feel extra spiritual about it or anything - sometimes I catch myself zoning out part way through despite my best intentions - but saying it regularly gives me time to think about it regularly, and different parts of the prayer stand out different times. Sometimes at the very end of a kickboxing class we have to hold a plank (basically just chill in the push-up position) for 30 or 45 seconds, and more often than not I mutter the Lord's prayer or some Scripture passage I've memorized, and that tends to be enough of a distraction that I don't give up. Those aren't usually very spiritual moments either lol, mostly they are painful and sweaty, BUT again, different things stand out in my mind and I like to notice that.

Read more: Will Pt. 1

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 23 January 2011

Ah marriage- I suspect that this feeling of learning more about myself and awkwardly transforming into an adult may continue until... death.

Matt was away last weekend at a junior high retreat, so I was without him from Thursday to Sunday. I had exciting (kickboxing!) and noble (cleaning) plans for all the time I thought would be free with Matt not there to cuddle or entertain or listen to play music. Instead, I spent most of Thursday in traffic (still thankful for a car, don't get me wrong!), and Friday went to youth group. Thursday night as I lay sprawled out in bed, I thought about my plans vs. reality, and I felt my brain creeping towards a sulk. But then I thought (in a way that usually means God has a hand in my thoughts) that there is more to life than cleaning and exercise, that nothing was left undone that couldn't be done later, and that the reasons I wasn't able to do EVERYTHING I wished for myself made it possible for Matt to do things he needed to do; my short thought was that wifehood was getting in the way of selfishness, and I think that's the way God made it.

People who don't know me are often surprised to learn that I'm married ("how old are you!? WHY????"), but I think it makes so much sense that having found someone to have and hold who wants to have and hold me back, we have started our life together at this point in our lives rather than waiting for our "youth"/"prime" to pass by and trying to merge whatever lifestyles and habits we created independently based on our own wants and needs.

I am happy and privileged to be a wife - most of the time. Because my husband is phenomenal, the other times are usually due to growing (up) pains, when I have to set my priorities aside, or when I catch myself holding Matt to a higher standard than I keep myself. Sometimes I do have a legitimate complaint or hurt feelings because Matt's last name is not Christ and we both make mistakes. But marriage holds and shapes us together because we are doing it not only for ourselves.

We do it for our future children, that they will have parents who love and cherish each other; we do it for our friends and people around us, that they will see love in action as patience, kindness, self-sacrifice; most of all, we do it for God because we trust that he has called us into a life together and that he will use it for our good and his glory. We like it, don't get me wrong, but we also think the picture is much bigger than us, and that's an important perspective to keep when it's not all fun times :)

Side note: Sometimes it's really fun times though! We went on a random adventure to Scarborough bluffs this week and pretended to feed some birds. That is to say, some birds swam by, we pretended we were throwing bread, more birds came by, we threw some snow. There were probably 60 ducks and 10 sawans all clambering and fighting over nothing. (It was nighttime, so I took no pictures. Thanks again, internet!!) Hopefully they did not die from expending all kinds of energy for no food. I'm sure they all felt shafted and just thought other birds kept getting the bread before them. Except the bird that got hit by a chunk of snow, he might have clued in to the situation. Matt and I were dying with laughter. Next time we'll try to take some bread, promise. PETA hates me.

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 20 December 2010

Yesterday at church we had some visitors who are a little more outspoken and charismatic in terms of their worship/listening-to-sermon style than most at ABC, and that of course encouraged many of our own members who are outspoken and charismatic but usually lay low (the closet ameners and hallelujah-ers, as I like to think of them). Long story short, as our pastor neared the end of his sermon, some folks was gettin riled up! He was preaching about the invalid Jesus healed at Bethsaida in John 5, and about why Jesus asked if he wanted to be well. Because being well means standing up for Jesus (Amen!), it might mean becoming unpopular, and this man quickly found himself in conflict with the pharisees over Sabbath laws (Jesus told him to pick up his mat, then the pharisees busted him for it). Being well could mean saying no to premarital sex (Amen!); it could mean losing a job (crickets chirped).

Okay, so crickets didn't literally chirp. But there was a silence that I found... hilarious. All of these grown, married people were all fired up to yell Amen against premarital sex, but nobody seemed too concerned to shout a spiritual high five to our pastor for talking about job loss. Maybe they were just catching their breath.

:)

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 26 November 2010

One thing I might miss once I graduate is the fantastic feeling of freedom after finishing all the assignments for a class - this I have done when it comes to Sociology 101. I handed in a really great research paper last night, and I feel so free! I have my final in two weeks, and I will be one semester away from graduation :)

We talked a little bit about religion in class last night, and discussed Marx's view that the teachings of religion legitimate social inequalities. This is the opposite of what Christians would like to believe! Jesus was a revolutionary because he taught that women and children are worth as much as men; he drove money changers out of the temple; he healed lepers. However, churches don't always manage to keep the same revolutionary perspective when they look at the world.

The brokenness of the world is a matter of fact for now, and we talked in class about how the prosperity gospel has some problems. Like corrupt leaders who spend more money fueling their cars/hummers in a month than their parishioners spend on food. And like the fact that Jesus was killed naked on a cross. Not so prosperous.

The thing is that religions (in Marx's sense) give so many more answers than faith tends to do, and it is comforting to feel that life can be solved. I think this is why churches that justify social inequalities often get large followings, often including very sincere people, because people want an answer to the world's brokenness: "the [insert people who suffer] deserve it because they are sinners - just look at the drugs they abuse and the gay sex they have, the illegitimate children they bear or the idolatry of their culture; but you can have anything you want if you truly have faith God will give it to you" - like he's a mind-operated arcade game.

Faith, on the other hand, "is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." (Heb. 11:1) The writer of Hebrews goes on to say, "For by it the people of old received their commendation." Faith is powerful, but it doesn't mean you get everything you want before you die, and it doesn't mean you get all the answers to life. A lot of people died waiting for Jesus to come. A lot of people have died waiting for him to come back again.

But this suspense is why (and I know that religion is often just the structure that our faith fits into, the two aren't mutually exclusive, but I need the ideas separate to make sense) Christianity as a faith defies Marx's ideas about religion - because when Christians truly live out their faith with God's help, social inequalities cannot fool us into thinking that some people are worth more than others, or that injustice is inevitable. Yes, so much brokenness is caused by sin, but that is not the final word on the matter: every single person is a candidate for redemption, and the worse off they are, the greater God's power and grace and glory can be shown. This is the assurance we live with every day as Christians, even though it hasn't happened yet.

A couple weeks ago in class someone raised this issue about churches: Do we settle for peace rather than truth? Sometimes, yes, and I think it can be okay because church unity is really important and honours God. However, there are truths that can never be sacrificed in order to have peace, and I think this applies to inner peace as well. Sometimes it is so draining to see injustice or suffering, and it is tempting to brush it aside with the mantra "God is sovereign; Jesus is coming." I think that Jesus would rather us to be disturbed and horrified and pained, to struggle in prayer on behalf of others, and to draw our strength from him instead of checking out when it gets to be too much.

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 17 November 2010

Jonah 2:9 "But with the voice of thanksgiving, I will sacrifice to you"

Jonah prays in chapter 2 from inside a fish. He was up in there for three days and nights before he said anything that was recorded in the Bible, and at the end of the prayer the fish spits him up (and, apparently, his robe comes loose), which I guess means Jonah said something wise :) Needless to say, this prayer was born out of a lot of sitting and thinking.

So I have been sitting and thinking about Jonah. I think the strongest theme in the book is grace, and Jonah's prayer is him recognizing, accepting and responding to God's grace for him. His sacrifice of giving thanks is a huge step, because it means that God is ultimately good, whatever circumstances are happening around us. Gratitude is sacrifice because it means submission.

The alternative to submission is taking charge, blazing our own path, which Jonah tried to do. After three days in a fish, Jonah's reflection on independence comes in 2:8 - "Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love." Jonah realizes that he fled from God because he gave up his hope of hesed - the love and mercy and kindness of God that English doesn't have enough words for.

Jonah didn't know about Jesus, so when he speaks of steadfast love, he does so without the picture of God allowing himself to be nailed to a tree. It would probably never occur to Jonah that God would become a human and experience torture for the sake of redeeming lost people. As Christians, this is the hesed that we proclaim when we share the gospel, but like Jonah, we often resist the God whose grace is too overwhelming to look in the face.

In Jonah 4, the prophet is infuriated that God has spared Nineveh, and he rants, "This is why I tried to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that you are a gracious and merciful God, slow to anger and abounding in hesed. You are eager to turn back from destroying people. Please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live." Jonah is essentially asking God to take back his grace - to "un-spare" his life - because Jonah cannot stand what it means. As a prophet, he is humiliated because the destruction he prophesied will not be fulfilled; as an Israelite, his sense of justice is totally unfulfilled because the Ninevites were filthy and evil.

But God does not kill Jonah or the Ninevites. When Jonah gets mad because a plant that shaded him dies (and again tells God he wants to die), God explains himself to Jonah (rare in the Bible!). Jonah cares about a plant dying that he didn't plant or tend, or even sit under for more than a day! Well, God has pity on "that great city, in which there are more than 120,000 people" - they have done evil, but God made them. Heck, there is also "much cattle"! And that's how the book ends. Jonah doesn't get to say any more, we are just left with this bizarre story filled with people turning to God (the sailors in chapter 1 and Nineveh in chapter 3), and a prophet who keeps wanting to die.

So if the great big theme is grace, what does the story mean? At this point, I think it means God doesn't always do what we want. He does what HE wants, what he cares about, and if we are going to be part of it, then it is going to be a big ugly sacrifice for us to praise him sometimes. Because God loves people, all people, and we really tend to love ourselves. This is not hesed.

Hesed means remembering that God took care to create each of us and bring us to where we are today. God never forgets this, of course, but I think we often do. We forget it for ourselves, and we forget it even worse for people we don't like. Hesed sucks because there are people who put my stomach in knots when I think of God just letting them off the hook for being scum bags. It's hard for me to believe that there is really no one in the world who God looks at and just sees trash. Sometimes people get hung up on this and won't believe in him because "how can God love bad people?" Well... how can God love you? Of course it's easy for me to write because I know why God loves me - I'm almost done my religious studies degree!!

That was sarcasm at the end there - what I'm getting at is that grace is something that can put our stomach in knots, and it can make us want to die because it is so terrible. But it is also our only hope, and when it becomes offensive to us then we are not on the same page as God. When that happens, it takes a sacrifice to get back on the same page, and that is Jonah's prayer from the belly of a fish - idols are for those who have given up on steadfast love, but I will make a sacrifice of thanksgiving to you. Idols are like band-aids maybe, when the situation calls for an amputation; grace means that when our limbs get chopped off, healthy ones grow in their place.

These are ongoing thoughts, and I'm not sure how to wrap them up, but I am reminded of John Eldredge's book Desire. In the spirit of that book, I will end by saying that "just getting by" is an idolatrous band-aid we put on our hearts when we are tired of hoping. I fall into that trap all the time - wishing myself through a couple more weeks of school, or one bad month for money, or whatever. Maybe if I let myself be a bit more angsty with God instead of just getting by, then I would see more of the things I keep putting band-aids on that aren't going away - my trust issues, pride, laziness to spend time with God - the struggles I cycle through but never seem to really beat. The trick is seeing the futility of my own efforts without giving in to despair. That's where hope comes in, and with it thankfulness that (the last line of Jonah's prayer): Salvation belongs to the Lord!

Details: Written by: Alyssa; Category: Thoughts; Published: 20 October 2010

Please pray for Matt and I - life is so busy, and it is good in so many ways, but it can also be hard to keep up and I feel myself wearing thin. I am sick - I missed work but managed to write my midterm tonight - which in a crazy way is good because it forces me to take better care of myself... but it is not good for anything else because I can't think clearly and have no physical stamina. This is all beside the point.

I was reading my Bible while I waited for the bus to school, and decided to pick up where I left off weeks ago in the book of Mark. I started in chapter 8 and continued into chapter 9, struck by Jesus, not really making sense of what he does or says - I mean, it makes sense in a Sunday School kind of way (it's in the Bible, so it's right), but if I imagine these scenes in real life 2000 years ago... no wonder the disciples were confused. In between doing miracles, Jesus tells the Pharisees that they won't get a sign from him, and he's always trying to be covert, healing a blind man outside of the city and telling his disciples not to reveal that he was the Christ.

Moving With God

Baby steps of faith, hope and love

Categories

Acrostic Poems

Will Pt. 2

Will Pt. 1

Wifehood

Can I get an Amen?

Faith/Religion

Jonah and Hesed

Changed Forever

Patience

Who God Is